


anticlockwise

by atemzug



Category: BTOB
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Exes, Feelings, M/M, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 17:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20313544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atemzug/pseuds/atemzug
Summary: Ilhoon accidentally meets his ex at a party





	anticlockwise

**Author's Note:**

> **this was posted on my old ao3, but i decided i rly wanted this work on this acc too :)**
> 
> hello this is kind of loosely based on [this song](https://open.spotify.com/track/2dmZO3OEpWatqjXlKAU5H5?si=kloxapaNTQqAMFpIfjD_kw)

It's getting late— or early in the morning, rather. Ilhoon thinks he’s already drunk as much as he can without his head spinning, and decides it’s time to go home. Except going home means he needs to find his roommate and friend, Sungjae, among the crowd that’s still not thinning out. 

Normally, Ilhoon wouldn’t really need to wait for his friend to go home together, but earlier that day (or yesterday, technically) he’d lost a stupid bet of rock-paper-scissors, so now he needs to buy Sungjae food after the party. He’s pissed that Sungjae had managed to talk him into this, but since he’s already promised anyway, he’s not backing out of it.

So Ilhoon exits the house. He decides to look for Sungjae outside on the balcony, for the sole reason that he wants to procrastinate having to venture into the crowd he’d just gotten out of a few minutes ago. He wonders, with a scowl on his face, why Eunkwang and Minhyuk always needed to invite _ so many _people to their frequent house parties. He also wonders why the two need such a big house, too, and that irrationally pisses his tipsy ass off as well.

In all honesty, he’s sure he won’t be finding Sungjae anytime soon, and surely not outside on the balcony, so he instead makes a segue to get a bottle of beer, before finally making his way to his original destination.. 

He feels a light gust of wind as soon as he steps out of the house, letting it ruffle his hair that’s already getting a little too long for his own liking. He doesn’t notice the other person standing further on the left side, drinking a bottle of beer, too, until he gets a few steps too close.

"Oh—," Ilhoon stops in his tracks. He stares at the figure that’s leaning against the railing and has his back to him, who looks over his shoulder at Ilhoon and smiles softly.

“Hey,” the other greets. “I haven’t heard your voice in so long.”

"Hyunsik-hyung," Ilhoon breathes out, and then winces. He hasn't called this person _ hyung _ in such a long while, too — he's never really had to — and it felt so painfully foreign as soon as it rolled off his tongue. " _ Hyung, _" he repeats. "Sorry. Was I interrupting something?"

"Not really,"the older says. "I just got off the phone."

"Right." _ With whom? _ Ilhoon wanted to ask; he doesn't have the right to do that anymore, though, and that just makes seeing his ex more painful. He's always known that he hasn't completely moved on yet, even though almost half a year has passed, and being reminded of the things he _ used to be _ allowed to do and feel just takes his progress a step back.

It doesn't help that Hyunsik is still a nice person, holds no grudges towards Ilhoon at all, and doesn't seem to mind or be affected by the younger's presence. It's as if nothing happened — like he and Ilhoon didn't date for more than a year, like they haven't done a lot of things together, like they haven't bared their souls to each other yet and revealed secrets too dark for the world to know. It's as if the entire time being each other's partner, each other's _ person, _didn't happen at all. It's as if they're back to being acquaintances, seeing each other every now and then in classes or at the bar or during parties like this.

"Did you need something?" Hyunsik asks.

"I was looking for Sungjae," Ilhoon answers. He's glad he hasn't drunk much yet and is still fully in control of his own consciousness. He can still pretend like he's fine, like he's moved on and being alone and too close to Hyunsik doesn't do things to his heart. "Did you happen to see him?"

"Oh. No, sorry."

"It's okay. Thanks."

Ilhoon manages to muster enough self control to tear his eyes away from the other, turn his entire body around to go back inside the house, but all that strength trembles and falls apart once he hears Hyunsik call his name.

"Ilhoonie," the older says. "How have you been?"

_ Not okay. Missing you a lot. _

"Fine," Ilhoon lies. "A little stressed, of course, just like everyone else here, I assume. We're all college students, anyway; stress is inevitable, right?"

"You're right." Hyunsik nods. He takes a swig of his beer, and Ilhoon wonders if that's his cue to leave. Then Hyunsik speaks again, "I'm always wondering how you're doing, you know?" 

It feels like the world just stopped spinning for a while, _ intentionally _ tipping Ilhoon's balance, because he suddenly feels dizzy and lightheaded.

"Really?" he manages to reply. He carefully walks to where the other is standing, settles a few feet away, and leans against the railing too.

Ilhoon knows this is dangerous for him, but he can't help himself; he wants to spend a few more moments with Hyunsik, and he thinks he isn't to be blamed because what else was he supposed to do? He misses Hyunsik, and he's offered a chance to be with the older for a few precious minutes; it's impossible for him not to take it. If things go wrong for him, at least he has the alcohol (and Sungjae) to blame.

Hyunsik smiles at him again. He seems genuinely happy about Ilhoon joining him, and Ilhoon scolds himself for thinking too much into it, for letting a small bubble of hope climb up his chest, threatening to blow up and consume him whole. 

"I heard Minjoo-noona got engaged," the older says.

The mention of his older sister hits a different spot. Ilhoon remembers too clearly how Minjoo had asked him for _ permission _ to invite Hyunsik to her wedding in the future, and how he’d tried to play it cool even though he thought — still thinks — he can’t bear to see Hyunsik in that kind of setting. He couldn’t even imagine having to explain to some of his relatives that he and Hyunsik aren’t together anymore, but he also couldn’t deny his sister the right to invite whoever she’d like just because of his issues. After all, Minjoo has always liked Hyunsik, and the two of them have always had a good relationship; maybe that’s a huge factor why Ilhoon finds it hard to move on, really.

“Yeah.” Ilhoon shrugs, pretending this isn’t as big of a deal as it really is for him. “I think she wants you to sing on her wedding.”

“Oh? Fine with me. Is the wedding _ that _soon, though?”

“I don’t think so, but I’ll hold you to your word. I’ll tell her to contact you, or something.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Ilhoon sighs. He did this for his sister, he tells himself; he shouldn’t feel too burdened. He tries to convince himself, too, that by the time the wedding happens he’s going to be completely over Im Hyunsik and he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. 

How he wishes it were true.

"I still have our songs in my computer," Hyunsik says quietly. 

It seems like with every word that Hyunsik says, it just makes it harder for Ilhoon to move on.

“Those are bad,” he says, trying to lift the mood. “You should delete them.”

Hyunsik chuckles. “Some _are_ actually bad,” he admits. “I can’t let go of them, though.”

Ilhoon hates how casually the older drops bombs like these. He hates the effect it has on him. He wants to hate Hyunsik, too, but he can’t even lie to himself because he knows he can’t.

He can’t let go of Hyunsik, too.

He should.

He _ must. _

“Hyung, I should go—,” he starts to say, but Hyunsik cuts him off with words that make him stop and stare.

"What went wrong?"

Ilhoon doesn’t have an answer. Words are stuck in his throat and his mouth feels dry. 

_ What went wrong? _

“I don’t know,” he replies. 

“It’s like things were okay,” the older whispers. “Then one day, they’re just not okay anymore.”

There’s no better explanation, really — at least, none that Ilhoon can offer. 

“Do you really think that?” he asks Hyunsik.

“I guess.”

He asks himself: does he really think that, too? Wasn’t it more of a _ gradual _ thing? Gradually losing interest, growing tired, realizing maybe things weren’t really working as well as they thought, until they reached the point where they had to just turn around and walk away from each other, until they _ gradually _had to let go of what they had and learn how to live life alone again.

Ilhoon thinks of it as time spinning backwards, a clock that suddenly started ticking in a counterclockwise direction without warning and took their entire relationship back to square one. It's a painful process, reliving an entire year but backwards; going back to barely knowing each other, back to the time secrets and deeply hidden worries weren't revealed yet, back to the time they didn't have each other's habits and mannerisms embedded onto their minds yet, back to the time when things weren't bad yet but weren't exactly good, either. 

Now they're back to being acquaintances and Ilhoon is still learning everyday how to live with it. He sees Hyunsik and he has to pretend he doesn't know everything about the other, and it's something Ilhoon has been struggling with for the past six months.

“Ilhoonie,” Hyunsik whispers again, and Ilhoon can’t help but think that it sounds like a plead, like a prayer even. 

“Yeah?” he answers, managing to keep his voice even. His heart is racing and his mind is swimming with thoughts and he’s overcome with this overwhelming feeling he thought he’d already lost but now threatens to fill his entire body: love. With it comes pain, bitterness, longing, desire, warmth, affection, care.

“Ilhoon,” Hyunsik says, louder this time and with more conviction. “I—.”

His phone starts ringing, startling both of them, and Hyunsik almost drops the bottle he’s holding. He takes his phone from his pocket and takes one look at the screen before turning back to Ilhoon apologetically.

“I have to go,” he tells Ilhoon. He doesn’t even need to say he’s sorry because Ilhoon already knows him so well that the apology in his voice is easily palpable. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Ilhoon assures him, because it really _ is _ okay — it _ should _be okay. Hyunsik owes him nothing.

“It was nice chatting with you. Tell Minjoo-noona I’d love to sing at her wedding.”

“I will.”

“Take care, Ilhoonie.”

“You, too.”

Hyunsik owes him nothing, Ilhoon reminds himself. But as he watches Hyunsik’s figure grow smaller and further away from him, he can’t help but feel a little resentful. Couldn’t Hyunsik have at least stalled for a bit, just to finish what he had to say? Now Ilhoon is only left to wonder what he wanted to say next. What if Hyunsik wanted to get back together? What if he wanted to tell Ilhoon he still loves him and wants him back?

More than that, though, Ilhoon feels regretful, because he’s sure that now he’ll never know what the older wanted to say anymore. 

He closes his eyes and heaves a long, heavy sigh. He realizes that, now more than ever, he needs to accept the fact that the clock will keep ticking in the opposite direction until he does something to unwind it and set it back to normal. When the clock starts turning clockwise again, maybe then they can both try to _ gradually _fall in love again.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> [cc](http://www.curiouscat.me/321s)


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